Hot centenarians. Nothing wrong with that.
Every time I tell my husband that I don’t have time to chit-chat or make his dinner or have sex because I’m reading about sexy vampires or watching the Cullen boys play sparkly baseball, he tries to tell me that vampires are creepy. Not because of the fangs or the blood-drinking—he’s a guy, so that stuff probably makes them cool—but because they’re hundreds of years old and pursuing teenage girls.
Now, I’ve thought about it. I’m trying to be a supportive wife and see his point so he’ll drop the argument and just let me get back to my toothily-enhanced hotties, but I can’t do it—I can’t even see the merits in his argument. Because he’s wrong. And here’s why there’s nothing wrong with hot vampires dating much, much, much, much younger women.
*To say otherwise is ageism. You can’t tell a hot guy he can’t date a teenage girl just because he’s a hundred or so years older than her. People have rights. If he’s ugly, maybe you have a case—like Dracula? That dude’s creeptastic, because hey. Old. But the Cullen boys (call me, Jasper!), Eric Northman (yum), Angel, Spike’s abs, the evil brother from Vampire Diaries? Those guys are model (as in hot) citizens and therefore not creepy at all.
*Thinking it’s somehow wrong is also discrimination against stupid women. Stupidism or something. Look at who some of the guys are going after. Bella Swan’s a moron, right? She always makes the exact opposite of the smart decision. So if Edward doesn’t date her, who else is going to (besides a shaggy, stinky dog)? You’re saying that Bella doesn’t have a right to true love just because she’s not the sharpest fang in the coven. Which means you’re dooming her dad to live with her until she bores him to death. Charlie deserves better.
*It’s also anti-Slayer. The Slayer can’t have a normal relationship with a regular guy. She can only have a relationship with her nemeses (none of the human boys are strong enough for her—you saw how Riley couldn’t handle it) and they all happen to be either scaly or old. Scaly is ugly, so old is truly her only option. And when old comes with Spike’s body or Angel’s smirk, it’s not only okay that they date, it’s right.
*What would you do if you were immortal and bound to earth? Personally, I’d get as far from humans as possible, climb the Seven Summits, and make my own YouTube reality show about a vampire and her alcoholic cats. But what guy can go millennia without sex? A sixty-year relationship is going to be a few days to an immortal, so it’s gotta be better than the alternative of living alone for eternity. Unless the girl is Sookie Stackhouse, because wow—that accent.
So no. There’s nothing wrong, and in many cases there’s something right, about vampires dating much younger women. Unless the vamps are ugly. Then it’s just creepy.
*****
I put the question out to my Twitter followers: Are 100-year-old vampires creepy for pursuing teenage girls? Selected responses:
yes 100 yrs old is too old for teen girls. how many wives has he had in the past century? – @Advocate4Change
It doesn’t matter. They’re all dead now, so he’s available.
My son says Bella gives “emo” a bad rep. Saw the movie, and didn’t think she was likely to be voted most likely to cure cancer. – @TGWShark
Bella gives stupidity a bad rep, dude.
The whole idea of soulless “people” who live off of the blood of other people & are controlled by their passions is creepy. – @manatini
The question was about vampires, not Democrats. Zoom zoom zoom!
Where are these girls? I’m not interested, but this friend, er, yeah, he would like to, uh, offer them help – @lheal
Sorry, they’re all taken.
Nah…I just think it’s an Eastern European thing. Vampires come from Transylvania and Polanski is Polish. – @duchess_rebecca
WINNER.
